Open Book

I’ve always been told that my face is an open book to how I feel. I don’t hide emotions well. Frankly, I want people to realize “oh shit I might want to leave this girl alone” or “wow that girl is really happy”. For the most part I like to talk to people about life. I like to hear what they’ve been through and if I can help them through whatever trials that are still open, I’d love that. I’ve been told recently by one of my close friends that I am the “Momma Bear” of our group. Everyone flocks to me if they need to talk about something bothering them. I won’t lie, I make them time to hear what’s going on. Not to gossip or any of that garbage but to help people in need. Personally I was given the gift of empathy and can easily listen to people and understand what they’re going through, or at least put myself in their shoes to understand the best I can to help.

Sadly though, I can’t do that for myself. I listen to what people have gone through but either it’s not relevant enough or not in the same hemisphere (which sounds bad since I can literally relate anything I’ve been through to help others through their problems). It’s not that I’m not open to people, I really am. I love talking to people and hearing what they’ve been through to give me a better understanding of life. When it comes to relating it back to me, I have a really hard time.

I’ve come across so many blogs and self-help books to help me refocus my thinking and frankly, it’s helped a lot, thankfully. My favorite blog, is focused upon broken hearts and coming back from those ashes. I seriously love this post because though the author may be focusing on another topic, I can refocus it on something else in my life (she is an amazing writer and I wish I could write like her one day!)

In my more recent past I decided that I wanted to write a memoir of what has happened to me, however, whenever I start writing, it just hurts more to write and I’ve almost given up on the story because it took me long enough to push past the everyday suffering to start looking back upon it again. Whenever I get tipsy enough it slips out more and more. It’s painful.

My deepest wish however, is to write and design a children’s book of a girl who has animal sidekick (had been a fish) who can only talk to the girl. They travel through time together and fight crime. Frankly, it was a spin on what I went through in college. Having a trusting sidekick to help during the worst of it all to help make the right decisions. I have always been a major Harry Potter nerd. Reading those books and the adventures and trials that the characters did, was something I wish I was able to witness no matter how difficult. J.K. Rowling honestly was a blessing in disguise for me. She wrote amazing books that I could relate to. Ofcourse I realize witches and wizards aren’t real (do I wish they were, um ofcourse! because I’d be demanding where my Hogwarts letter was!) She was a real writer. Non-fiction, sci-fi to the most real level I have ever known. Whenever I feel down and just need a taste of who I was when I was in middle school, I pick up Sorcerer’s Stone and start reading all over again. It’s one of those books though, yes obviously is not real, has real qualities to it. The characters all face tribulations that everyone in everyday life does, at some point in time. Reading was one of my favorite hobbies through high school, and then once life caught up, I stopped reading so often. I’m lucky if I get a half hour in every night. I honestly miss being so absorbed in a book that I forget to eat and next thing I know it’s six o’clock in the morning.

It’s the simple things I miss most. As much as I love who I am now, and who I’ve become from the ashes of my past, aside from the countless yoga and mediation sessions to bring me back to a normal state, forgetting the cleaning, organizing, refocusing, and taking care of my fiancee and cats…the one thing I miss most of my younger adult life is just that and imagining I’m in the life of the main character. I always do. If I get sucked in enough to a book I just take the place of the main characters. Not even just one but all. I miss my imaginative side. I miss writing in a journal. I miss driving around the backroads of my hometown at night. I miss walking on trails for hours in the woods. Now, I have people wondering where I am. Now I am more mindful of what might go astray. I just want to go back to those simple days and think like I used to.

As much as I love who I am now, and what I’ve learned, I will never forget the girl I was while I was growing up. The tomboy. I used to climb trees and just sit there for hours writing in my journal about nonsense or admiring nature. Or when I would just be closed up in my room playing pretend that I was someone else from a book or movie. Playing sports was second nature, and now, I’m lucky if I can run 100 meters without passing out. Sports was my life from the time I was in Kindergarten through junior year of high school. Then I decided in college to run a marathon. Insane. But I did it. In the next 5 years I’ll be back to running another. I got that runner’s high. Nothing else mattered, and I want to get back to that.

Needless to say, as I’ve just blabbered on again with wine in hand…I’m an open book. You want to know about me, just ask. I’m always willing to listen to others and help. I’ve been through enough to try and relate and help as much as I can. It’s my calling in life. The game of Life is one worth playing…it’s well worth it. Push on.

Til next time…

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