Wake up and smell the roses

You know those mornings that you wake up and you’re just not ready to start the day. The days where your bed is just the only place you want to be. Where you just want to spend five more minutes laying next to the love of your life and just listen to him sleeping soundly. That was my morning. My alarm went off for an hour and a quarter and I just didn’t care. I wanted to just live in those moments. The early morning of my day which is completely my own. It’s my favorite part of my day and also my saddest.

On this Monday morning I woke up and realized that I honestly just have so many good things in my life. I’ve had my bumps in the road but I’m here still standing tall. That no matter what might come at me, I can take it on. I came across a box of old journals over the weekend and had to stop reading them just due to the context. It was hard to read and know how angry and sad I was. It ripped open wounds that I’ve covered up for so long and chose to forget. I craved attention that I wasn’t receiving and it really saddens me to remember.

Needless to say the weekend went on. I was in a disoriented state and was just not thinking. So upon waking up this morning, I realized what is wrong with me. Look where you were and look where you are now. Nothing is perfect but when you have 90% of your life on track, you’re planning your dream wedding to the most amazing guy you know (who manages to put up with your emotional pitfalls over and over again – seriously bless his soul), why get so sad. Life shouldn’t be this sad. It’s a journey and challenges you at times but you need to focus in on the good things to get you through. Wasting away your life being sad over nonsense is not living at all. Though I was in a fog all day and irritable, I also came to an understanding that I honestly have some serious changes that I need to make with myself. I need to live in the moment because you just don’t know what will happen tomorrow. You can plan and plan and plan for the future, but one small thing can happen tomorrow and that plan may change. I am not saying don’t have dreams and goals but realize that you may need to change the path to reach those goals at a moments notice. Life happens. Things come up. You may need to postpone your goal or completely revamp the route to get there but if you try, it will happen.

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Update

1. learn more about exercise science and nutrition, 2. learn more about my job and how I can better do it, 3. develop my career path, 4. learn to cope with the passing of my dad and open up more, 4. work on my relationships with everyone in my life, 5. not let the little things tear me down, 5. let go of the past, dammit!, 6. draw at least one thing a day (no matter who tiny of a doodle it is), 7. see the world in a new light, 8. plan our dream wedding, 9. better manage my finances, and 10. be the best damn person I can (future wife, friend, family member, worker, etc) and truly learn things that will help me through life.

1. Plan: I’ve decided that I’m going to research as much as I can on each of these (personal training, nutrition, and yoga – extra points) once I’m married I’m taking a personal training course and getting my certification
2. I found an awesome site http://www.mindtools.com today and has helped me find ways to develop my career both current and future
3. See above – Trying my hardest to find as much information as possible but my everyday job is taking the brunt of my time – found some time today to do some development work and print some info on this so I can read up on it later
4. Also, in http://www.mindtools.com found a coping strategies link. Will be looking through that. Also have been reading up on Hannah’s post’s and finding a lot on Pinterest.
5. Still working through this. Having been listening to friends and trying to help them.
6. Not everyday, but maybe once a week,
7. Again, taking the place of my friends situations and placing myself in their shoes.
8. Awesome wedding planned – still have a lot of the creative stuff to do.
9. Finances haven’t been particularly good – been planning out expenses and in the process of quitting nicotine…therefore adding an extra $100 (give or take) to my budget a week.
10. Be the best damn person I can be…well…I’ve had my moments of insanity but I’ve made some reasonable changes. Mindfulness sessions at work on Wednesdays, meditation everynight, bedtime yoga everynight.

Open Book

I’ve always been told that my face is an open book to how I feel. I don’t hide emotions well. Frankly, I want people to realize “oh shit I might want to leave this girl alone” or “wow that girl is really happy”. For the most part I like to talk to people about life. I like to hear what they’ve been through and if I can help them through whatever trials that are still open, I’d love that. I’ve been told recently by one of my close friends that I am the “Momma Bear” of our group. Everyone flocks to me if they need to talk about something bothering them. I won’t lie, I make them time to hear what’s going on. Not to gossip or any of that garbage but to help people in need. Personally I was given the gift of empathy and can easily listen to people and understand what they’re going through, or at least put myself in their shoes to understand the best I can to help.

Sadly though, I can’t do that for myself. I listen to what people have gone through but either it’s not relevant enough or not in the same hemisphere (which sounds bad since I can literally relate anything I’ve been through to help others through their problems). It’s not that I’m not open to people, I really am. I love talking to people and hearing what they’ve been through to give me a better understanding of life. When it comes to relating it back to me, I have a really hard time.

I’ve come across so many blogs and self-help books to help me refocus my thinking and frankly, it’s helped a lot, thankfully. My favorite blog, is focused upon broken hearts and coming back from those ashes. I seriously love this post because though the author may be focusing on another topic, I can refocus it on something else in my life (she is an amazing writer and I wish I could write like her one day!)

In my more recent past I decided that I wanted to write a memoir of what has happened to me, however, whenever I start writing, it just hurts more to write and I’ve almost given up on the story because it took me long enough to push past the everyday suffering to start looking back upon it again. Whenever I get tipsy enough it slips out more and more. It’s painful.

My deepest wish however, is to write and design a children’s book of a girl who has animal sidekick (had been a fish) who can only talk to the girl. They travel through time together and fight crime. Frankly, it was a spin on what I went through in college. Having a trusting sidekick to help during the worst of it all to help make the right decisions. I have always been a major Harry Potter nerd. Reading those books and the adventures and trials that the characters did, was something I wish I was able to witness no matter how difficult. J.K. Rowling honestly was a blessing in disguise for me. She wrote amazing books that I could relate to. Ofcourse I realize witches and wizards aren’t real (do I wish they were, um ofcourse! because I’d be demanding where my Hogwarts letter was!) She was a real writer. Non-fiction, sci-fi to the most real level I have ever known. Whenever I feel down and just need a taste of who I was when I was in middle school, I pick up Sorcerer’s Stone and start reading all over again. It’s one of those books though, yes obviously is not real, has real qualities to it. The characters all face tribulations that everyone in everyday life does, at some point in time. Reading was one of my favorite hobbies through high school, and then once life caught up, I stopped reading so often. I’m lucky if I get a half hour in every night. I honestly miss being so absorbed in a book that I forget to eat and next thing I know it’s six o’clock in the morning.

It’s the simple things I miss most. As much as I love who I am now, and who I’ve become from the ashes of my past, aside from the countless yoga and mediation sessions to bring me back to a normal state, forgetting the cleaning, organizing, refocusing, and taking care of my fiancee and cats…the one thing I miss most of my younger adult life is just that and imagining I’m in the life of the main character. I always do. If I get sucked in enough to a book I just take the place of the main characters. Not even just one but all. I miss my imaginative side. I miss writing in a journal. I miss driving around the backroads of my hometown at night. I miss walking on trails for hours in the woods. Now, I have people wondering where I am. Now I am more mindful of what might go astray. I just want to go back to those simple days and think like I used to.

As much as I love who I am now, and what I’ve learned, I will never forget the girl I was while I was growing up. The tomboy. I used to climb trees and just sit there for hours writing in my journal about nonsense or admiring nature. Or when I would just be closed up in my room playing pretend that I was someone else from a book or movie. Playing sports was second nature, and now, I’m lucky if I can run 100 meters without passing out. Sports was my life from the time I was in Kindergarten through junior year of high school. Then I decided in college to run a marathon. Insane. But I did it. In the next 5 years I’ll be back to running another. I got that runner’s high. Nothing else mattered, and I want to get back to that.

Needless to say, as I’ve just blabbered on again with wine in hand…I’m an open book. You want to know about me, just ask. I’m always willing to listen to others and help. I’ve been through enough to try and relate and help as much as I can. It’s my calling in life. The game of Life is one worth playing…it’s well worth it. Push on.

Til next time…

100 Days

Yep it’s a full blown 100 days until I’m a married woman. I’m so beyond excited and anxious. I just can’t believe how fast time has flown. We booked our venue, set our date, bought my dress and some accessories, sent save the dates, booked the DJ, booked our photographer, booked our officiant, designed invites and other day of decor stuff, decided on a wedding party and gave some bridesmaid gifts, had planning parties, finalized a ceremony, started a beauty/workout routine, picked out bridesmaid dresses, and even a hair and makeup trial. Things have been moving smoothly. Yikes time flies when you’re having fun! So much more to do! Gifts, flowers, centerpieces, programs, printing, emergency baskets, music yes and no list, marriage license, day of accessories, showers, thank you’s, cake designing, finalizing menus, and so much more. I can’t wait! When you find the one, it’s all worth the stress of it all in the end, especially when they want to be part of all the crazy planning sessions too 🙂 I’m a lucky girl.