I have such a hard time dealing with death. Frankly, it should be normal for me at this point. I’ve gone through most of my life without grandparents. It has always been hard for me to talk about people’s families/lives because of this. I was 9 when my last grandparent died. At this point most people would expect that I can deal with death, but it’s really different.

Once my dad died nearly two years ago (taking two seconds to realize that, OMG two years *deep breath*) it is very difficult for me to ‘deal’ with death. I feel like when people lose people close to them look to me to tell them what should be done and how to feel. Frankly, that pain doesn’t make things easier. I feel like I get that logo “Dad died, She doesn’t have a dad at 25” thing. It hurts, alot. I try my hardest to put my problems aside to listen to others but, frankly, it doesn’t, it always makes things harder. You want to make things better for people and make them feel better so that you do too, but it never does. The pain always comes back. 

Today at work we received word that one of our senior account managers passed away tonight after her major battle against MS. She had been fighting it for a long time. It hurts to hear because when you know of good hearted people losing to a battle regarding their lives, nothing comes close to how you feel. I am heartbroken over the news today of one of our senior account managers losing to her battle. Absolutely kills me. This woman, day in and day out fought her battle and worked literally until her last dying breath. I’m so happy to hear that she is no longer in pain. So unbelievably happy to hear that, that I can’t even explain it. She was an amazing woman who lived her passions until the end. She is such an inspiration to me. 

My dad passed away nearly two years ago (minus four months away), from his major nine month battle against Melanoma. It hurts me to this day thinking about how he might have felt during that time. I just in my head knew who my dad was and know that he was just ready to not deal anymore. He knew things weren’t going to improve and he mentally ended things. It’s crazy to think that someone can make their minds understand that it’s over. There’s no more fighting, things will never get better. 

I just wish I got a goodbye, a real goodbye, a things will be ok without me, you will grow because of this situation type of conversation. I never got it, and it kills me. I realize and see little things each day where he was trying to tell me before he died what he was truly trying to tell me. I hate myself for not realizing that that was him trying to have that conversation with me. I am better now and can understand because I have forced myself to realize what life really has to say and offer but nothing ever makes it easier. I am 25, and with out grandparents and  a dad. I am without a dad. 

Omg, I see those words, I hear them, and my heart is torn away from my soul. I don’t have the one person I always relied on for help and guidance, no matter how little the words were. My dad and I always understood eachother, and I know he tried in his last months to tell me all he could, but he never told me how to deal with this. He was the biggest advocate of following your heart.

My mom and dad had tough last couple or so years with eachother. My mom was always the person to find things to do and wouldn’t come home until late and it would just be me and dad. Our time waiting for her to come home was ours. I miss it the most. Those were the days we would watch history movies/documentaries, talk about our days and he would give me advice, and frankly my favorite were the days we would be standing in the driveway looking at the yard and trees, drinking a beer when I was old enough, and just talk about life – the little things. I miss it so much. I go home and it kills me. Everything there is just a memory of my dad, good but bad because he isn’t there to take care of things. No matter how big or small, he was the one there to just make things right again. 

I miss him so, so, so much. It kills me each day that I’m not going to receive a small text of “where are you?” “I love you” “i dont know how to use this stupid phone” type of messages. He was literally the most illiterate people when it came to technology but I had that small moment to spend with him to show him what to do. To show him what I know and make him proud that I knew what to do. I follow his steps every single day. No one will ever understand except me. 

Today we lost one of our account managers to her long battle against MS. When I received the word from my best friend at work I was devastated. She was the sweetest woman ever. She was tough to work with only because she knew what was right for her accounts. It killed me to hear that yet another astonishingly strong person lost to a disease. This is to you, I didn’t know you too well, but when we met at NSM, it was one of the biggest moments for me. I will never forget it, hearing how wonderful I was and how thankful you were for all that I had done to improve the process. Seeing your emails to get your quota or trying to understand why something wasn’t right always gave me a positive feeling in me that people cared truly about what they did every single day. I will continue to work to ensure that I make sure that happens. You are an amazing person. I will truly miss you. Please stick close to my dad because you will love his company, he is an amazing person and you will laugh every single day. The following poem is always what I post when someone close passes away, I know it’s true. Enjoy the better place and please help and guide the rest of us. Much love…

‘When somebody dies, a cloud turns into an angel,
And flies up to tell God to put another flower on a pillow.
A bird gives the message back to the world,
And sings a silent prayer that makes the rain cry.
People disappear, but they never really go away.
The spirits up there put the sun to bed,
Wake up the grass and spin the earth in dizzy circles.
Sometimes you can see them dancing in a cloud during the daytime,
When they’re supposed to be sleeping.
They paint the rainbows and also the sunsets
And make waves splash and tug at the tide.
They toss shooting stars and listen to wishes.
And when they sing wind-songs, they whisper to us,
“Don’t miss me too much, the view is nice and I’m doing just fine.”

Rest in peace. Hang with my angels, they will take care of you, dear. Watch over us. Guide us. 

Rest in peace sweet angel. Heaven just became so much lovelier ❤

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