I was always the girl who believed in fairy tales. The ones that would be read to me before I went to bed at night by my mom. Dreams of being a princess like Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Ariel. These stories just molded a fake vision of what love is. The princess found her ‘true love’ at 16 and had some bizarre “problem” where she couldn’t be with her Prince. In the end, they always found each other and lived happily ever after. Never once do the fairy tales talk about the trials and tribulations that true love goes through. The crazed girls chasing after boys. Doing stupid things to make them pay attention. The heartaches that happen along the way. If Disney depicted that in their movies, maybe you wouldn’t have so many “love struck girls” chasing boys just because.
In high school I was just a quiet awkward girl. I loved to play sports and hang out in gym clothes 90% of the time. I didn’t care. I was comfortable with who I was. Because I was so quiet and awkward I didn’t know how to talk to boys other than just being a friend. Anything more than that and I was hiding behind my hands in the back of the classroom saying why why why… I thought I was broken hearted a couple times back then due to my self-conscious personality. Frankly I had no idea what love was. How can you know that feeling of falling head over heels and being painfully, deeply in love with someone at the fresh young age of 16? You always think you do and no one can tell you otherwise. My twenty-five year-old self could strangle my young self for thinking like that.
I had a couple flings through the end of high school and into college, again not really sure what it was that I felt. Sadly, I think I just liked the attention that there was someone who actually liked me. Then I ended up dating someone from my freshman year of college through the end of my ‘senior year’. We had a lot of fun, however now looking back on it, my heart wasn’t truly there. Most times I spent with him I was upset. If I was just a few minutes late because I got ‘stuck’ talking to my mom it was a miserable night. There were other nights I would get forced to stay late at his house until he fell asleep to drive back home late at night just so we spent every waking moment together. I was made to feel guilty for spending time with anyone aside from him, friends – family – anyone. He was the type of person to get ‘hurt’ once by someone and he turned his back and would talk about them and how they treated me poorly etc. Needless to say, there finally came a time when we got into a massive blow up and we took time off. I was dealing with much worse things, and when I had needed him the most a year previous to that I was made to be the victim, all over again by the one person I needed to help me through. That time had been rock bottom for me. I can’t even repeat most of what happened during that time because it just reopens wounds that I have put bandaids over, and let them heal at their own pace. It took a good two months for me to finally realize that I couldn’t go through with it anymore, in my mind I knew the relationship was over and I wasn’t going back ever again. Periodically I still receive whispers from him hoping that we can meet up for a coffee to talk. I leave the messages alone. Send them to the trash to never read again. I sounds awful and insensitive, and I know I am but I also know what door I would be opening up unwillingly again. For me, there is no turning back. There was no fairy tale. There was a fun time, with a person I thought I loved, and it will be kept at that.
I had spent that summer having the time of my life, fell entirely too quickly for a friend and was hurt when the feelings weren’t returned. I turned into a crazed girl. Jealous and angry at the world. Spent many drunken nights yelling, crying, and hating everything. I look back at that girl and it pains me. It was some shadow of me that I can’t recognize. I remember I had looked in the mirror once or twice during that time and didn’t know who was staring back at me. But then, not too long after, I found him, the love of my life. My soulmate.
Now, you’re probably thinking where is this girl going with this, she’s been heartbroken and a complete crazed mess…why does she think this is real? Because it was. It’s like people say, I just saw him and knew. At first I didn’t believe it. “How can THIS guy like me?” But he did. I overheard him one night when I was up talking late with my roommate at the time and he was outside with everyone else. He was more or less talking to himself, no one responded to him as he spoke. My roommate and I hid in the window to hear him. I will never forget those words he said because it’s what brings me back day in and day out “I found her. She’s not ready right now, but I’ll wait for her to be. She’s it. She’s who I’ve been looking. I’ll wait for her.”
Basically from then, we were attached at the hip. I can’t say it has been the easiest but we’re still here, hand in hand making or ways through life together. We have gone through the biggest roller coaster of a relationship from head over heels in love, complete bliss and happiness, heartbreak and sadness, stagnant periods of time, to complete pure happiness and love. We’ve picked each other up when we’ve been down. We’ve helped each other through some of the worst times in our lives. Though there was a period of time we were apart, we still were thinking of each other at night, whether we want to accept it to anyone aside from ourselves when we are quietly thinking about things. We’ve made it through. We’ve fought for each other and our love. It’s not perfect but who’s to say what a perfect relationship truly is? If you are willing to stand beside the person that you love deepest in the world, the person you fall asleep thinking about, the person you dream about and what your future holds, then you’ve found it. You can literally go through the worst things with that person, and still know that things are going to be ok in the end. That there aren’t going to always be rainbows and butterflies. There are going to be trying times ahead. If you can accept that the picture maybe not always be perfect, then you understand what true love is. You’re ready to make the step in life together.
I have that very joy waiting for me next year when we get married. He’s the guy who likes to have things a certain way, but I was told whatever you want you got it. This is your dream wedding, and I will do anything I can to make sure you get it. Frankly, I can dream about the colors, the dress, the people witnessing one of the most amazing days of our lives, the ceremony, the food, the cake, the music, the massive party, all of it…but what really matters to me is him and I promising our undying love to each other. I can honestly 100% say that. For me, that’s true love. I don’t need to blow $100K on one day. I just want the perfect day on the beach, with the waves hitting behind us, barefoot in our most comfortable clothes, with our most treasured friends and family watching on. Simple. Elegant. Romantic. Him and I staring in each others tear filled eyes as we promise a lifetime of happiness, faith, and love. To be there when the stormy seas are rough, and the days when it’s nothing but sunny skies and pleasant playful waves. That’s my fairy tale.