Just another day

Been a couple days since my last post, however I sit here at my dining room table, with a glass of red wine, the tv on in the background, my fiance laying down, and my cats playing around the apartment and all is at peace. In every way. It’s been my first week back at work since I was out on medical leave with my herniated disc and it’s been tough. Not only dealing with the pain, I’m finding things that have been sitting waiting for me to come back and the to do list gets longer and longer. I found that the first step to my big win plan ended up setting me even further back than I expected today. I had a sit down conversation with one of my managers, who I also consider my mentor and she is frustrated over how things keep getting set back not because of me but due to the system. It has been frustrating, and it kills me even more knowing that all that I’m doing to make things better, it’s getting worse in a way. I’m just hoping that though things aren’t the best right now, the calm comes after the storm.

In light of all of this, I kinda had a stress ‘attack’ and couldn’t focus on what I needed to do. Instead of starting the mountainous amount of catch up work I now need to complete, I ended up having a very deep conversation with our co-op on my team. I opened up about some of the most sensitive pieces of my life. I don’t know why I felt I could or even needed to but it just seemed right. It was good to get some of the things going through my head off my chest. Also, made me realize that though I’m only 25, I’ve been through a lot and made it through a better person, and her too. She was taken aback by some of it. Just goes to show that even someone who has a smile on their face everyday might actually have been through a lot. Just gotta keep the smiles coming… 

I find that sometimes opening up, even when it isn’t in the moment of something truly happening, you do better for yourself. Once I opened up, my mind cleared a little bit and I was able to focus on what I needed to do for work. I came home and ended up making some serious progress on what I believe is my ‘opportunity to shine’ as silly as that may sound. I’ve been working on this for 3 years and I finally can see the horizon. It’s right there with a big banner waving saying ‘YOU DID IT!’ I only hope that all that I’m doing, all the time, all the frustration, all the stress, tears, and degrading thoughts this is it. 

For once too, I felt my stress and anxiety consuming me but I managed to control it. Most of the time it takes over and I feel like I’m stuck in a whirlpool going down a drain and can’t stop. I think I’m finally coming out of the difficult times and coming to deal with my problems and anxiety. I guess it just goes to show, that dedication, hard work, persistence, and the confidence to voice your thoughts and take charge of your goals and life, pays off. Let’s see tomorrow what feedback I get…

Good night cyberworld…

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