This has been one of those weekends, very relaxed and just us at home. Second weekend we haven’t had all our friends at our apartment for the weekend. Not that I don’t love having everyone here, but it’s been just a little bit of R&R for us, which I’ve missed a bit. Last weekend my fiance went on a camping trip for a night and I had some time to hang in the apartment on my own and just go through things, have some ‘me’ time, decorate a little bit, clean, etc at my own pace. And this weekend, we decided not to go away with everyone else. Personally, I feel that we needed some ‘us’ time, just to relax, get some things done around the apartment, and not have to worry about entertaining (not that that is really the case either). It was just a nice little change of pace. We haven’t had that in a while and I missed having just a little bit of time for us. I mean, we have all week together but we’re at work. When we come home we’re both exhausted and cranky and just want to veg before we have to do it all again the next day. It’s just the simple things.
Additionally, it gave me a little bit of time to think about what it is that I’m looking for personally. I’ve been trying to come up with some good exercise routines to help me recover from my herniated disc, think about what my next steps are in life (going for my master’s and what I want to go for), think about what I want to do with my career, and think about the miscellaneous things I want to get back into doing and the new things I want to start. To be honest, I’ve been having some thoughts on becoming a wife, nothing negative or that I’m getting cold feet (not in the slightest) but thinking about those duties of a wife I should be taking up/know how to do. I came across some blogs on things on what every woman should know how to do but also came across some good enlightening things on life as well.
As I mentioned in my first post I tend to hold chips on my shoulder, but it’s all in the past, and where I’ve come from since then is such a 360 where, do I really need to keep going back to it and bringing myself down? No! It’s not worth it, just remember it and try to not make the same mistakes and misjudgments. When I look back at the last fives years or so, its been littered with these moments of good to bad to really bad and back again. Not that I’m happy over the bad or the really bad, or who I was at those times (because to be honest, I’m not proud of those moments at all, I don’t know who that girl was), but I look at where I am now, and I’m here, I’m alive, and I have some of the most amazing people in my life who have been here to support me and help me through all those times. I feel myself going back in time and talking about a lot of it, and some of it I think to myself why are you going back to this place? Look where you are! You have the love of your life, your amazing family, your amazing friends, my own apartment, my cats, a new car, a good job…like I never expected to be where I am. And of course each of these have their slight issues but overall, I’m so happy. Unfortunately though there are still tiny pieces where I feel a little lost.
I suppose there are three main pieces that I can sum up where this falls into the ‘lost me’: my career, not doing some of the things that gave me joy, pride, and a sense of individuality, and the passing of my dad.
The biggest of these three is that passing of my dad. He was the best man I ever knew, handy, independent, loving, an amazing listener, fun, and he had a great sense of pride. He knew how to fix anything and that is proven at the house that I grew up in. Everything was tinkered with there which makes it very difficult for me to go home. I feel awful because my mom still lives there and has to deal with it everyday but I feel like when I stay there for more than just a couple hours I feel myself coming down again. It’s harder because I watched him pass away in their bed. That is a whole other story though. I miss him so much, and the time we spent together. We would have ‘our time’ to sit and eat snacks, watch history movies, and have small conversations all the time when I would come home from school. We would hang out in the yard, drink a beer, and just bs. I would watch him take down trees and work on the cars. I remember the two of us would have some of the best conversations, and they would only last a good 10-15 minutes but they were the best times. He was my anchor, my oak tree as well have recently nicknamed him. The silent, strong, giant. Not having him around has been very difficult and moving on with life without him physically in it, has proved to be the hardest thing in the world.
The second is the future of my career. I started on as a contractor and got hired after a year and nine months of hoping and praying something would work out, but near the end of my contract I was starting to see some issues that made me question what I was truly doing there. We’ve had some new management changes and reorgs which have improved things but, it’s a very difficult working environment for me at times. I’ve been beyond stressed out with deadlines which I know will be anywhere but I’m at a loss of what I’m truly doing, how to improve things for myself, and what my next steps are. I’m at a point now where I’m trying to do what I can to improve my mentality, have a major success in my project, and not let the drama bring me down. This is my new project for myself, to take what I have and make the most of it and kick ass in succeeding.
The third and final part is bringing back the pieces of me. I used to be an avid drawer and had an eye for being able to create things. I feel like that piece of me has fallen away. I don’t really draw anymore, I don’t paint, my eye for matching home decor has fallen away. It disappoints me because those were some things that I truly enjoyed and it brought peace to me. I’ve just lost time to do it. I expected that to happen but, I don’t want to lose that amazing gift I have. I used to be a huge runner as well and would enjoy going for runs on trails and would enjoy just hanging out in the woods and taking in the views of overlooks and waterfalls. With my recent herniated disc though, it will be a long time before I can do that again, if ever. My biggest goal was to run another marathon next year but I don’t see that happening either. I had wanted to run in the Color Run, Electric Run, Tough Mudder, compete in a triathlon, and to one day, far in the future to train for an Iron Man competition. I just need to get motivated again and start working out and gaining my strength back but I always push myself to hard and end up with horrible shin splints and can’t walk for days. I just need to find a way to get myself strong and start working towards my goals.
I feel each year I come up with these lists of resolutions that when December 31st comes around, I haven’t completed any of them. So, right now I’m focusing on the things that I want to work on the most, mainly these three pieces to recover mentally and physically from but the other smaller things I’d like to embark my journey of becoming me. I plan to: 1. learn more about exercise science and nutrition, 2. learn more about my job and how I can better do it, 3. develop my career path, 4. learn to cope with the passing of my dad and open up more, 4. work on my relationships with everyone in my life, 5. not let the little things tear me down, 5. let go of the past, dammit!, 6. draw at least one thing a day (no matter who tiny of a doodle it is), 7. see the world in a new light, 8. plan our dream wedding, 9. better manage my finances, and 10. be the best damn person I can (future wife, friend, family member, worker, etc) and truly learn things that will help me through life. This may be a little ambitious but I plan that each post I have from here on out there is going to be at least one thing a day that I can be proud of that will go to this list so that this time next year, I can feel truly accomplished especially because this time next year I will be on the home stretch of becoming a married lady 🙂 I’m truly excited over this, whether for who ever is reading this thinks it’s a load of crap, think what you want, I have big plans for myself and I’m ready to take it on.
Til next time…