Just another day

Been a couple days since my last post, however I sit here at my dining room table, with a glass of red wine, the tv on in the background, my fiance laying down, and my cats playing around the apartment and all is at peace. In every way. It’s been my first week back at work since I was out on medical leave with my herniated disc and it’s been tough. Not only dealing with the pain, I’m finding things that have been sitting waiting for me to come back and the to do list gets longer and longer. I found that the first step to my big win plan ended up setting me even further back than I expected today. I had a sit down conversation with one of my managers, who I also consider my mentor and she is frustrated over how things keep getting set back not because of me but due to the system. It has been frustrating, and it kills me even more knowing that all that I’m doing to make things better, it’s getting worse in a way. I’m just hoping that though things aren’t the best right now, the calm comes after the storm.

In light of all of this, I kinda had a stress ‘attack’ and couldn’t focus on what I needed to do. Instead of starting the mountainous amount of catch up work I now need to complete, I ended up having a very deep conversation with our co-op on my team. I opened up about some of the most sensitive pieces of my life. I don’t know why I felt I could or even needed to but it just seemed right. It was good to get some of the things going through my head off my chest. Also, made me realize that though I’m only 25, I’ve been through a lot and made it through a better person, and her too. She was taken aback by some of it. Just goes to show that even someone who has a smile on their face everyday might actually have been through a lot. Just gotta keep the smiles coming… 

I find that sometimes opening up, even when it isn’t in the moment of something truly happening, you do better for yourself. Once I opened up, my mind cleared a little bit and I was able to focus on what I needed to do for work. I came home and ended up making some serious progress on what I believe is my ‘opportunity to shine’ as silly as that may sound. I’ve been working on this for 3 years and I finally can see the horizon. It’s right there with a big banner waving saying ‘YOU DID IT!’ I only hope that all that I’m doing, all the time, all the frustration, all the stress, tears, and degrading thoughts this is it. 

For once too, I felt my stress and anxiety consuming me but I managed to control it. Most of the time it takes over and I feel like I’m stuck in a whirlpool going down a drain and can’t stop. I think I’m finally coming out of the difficult times and coming to deal with my problems and anxiety. I guess it just goes to show, that dedication, hard work, persistence, and the confidence to voice your thoughts and take charge of your goals and life, pays off. Let’s see tomorrow what feedback I get…

Good night cyberworld…

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Back to the simple things

This has been one of those weekends, very relaxed and just us at home. Second weekend we haven’t had all our friends at our apartment for the weekend. Not that I don’t love having everyone here, but it’s been just a little bit of R&R for us, which I’ve missed a bit. Last weekend my fiance went on a camping trip for a night and I had some time to hang in the apartment on my own and just go through things, have some ‘me’ time, decorate a little bit, clean, etc at my own pace. And this weekend, we decided not to go away with everyone else. Personally, I feel that we needed some ‘us’ time, just to relax, get some things done around the apartment, and not have to worry about entertaining (not that that is really the case either). It was just a nice little change of pace. We haven’t had that in a while and I missed having just a little bit of time for us. I mean, we have all week together but we’re at work. When we come home we’re both exhausted and cranky and just want to veg before we have to do it all again the next day. It’s just the simple things.

Additionally, it gave me a little bit of time to think about what it is that I’m looking for personally. I’ve been trying to come up with some good exercise routines to help me recover from my herniated disc, think about what my next steps are in life (going for my master’s and what I want to go for), think about what I want to do with my career, and think about the miscellaneous things I want to get back into doing and the new things I want to start. To be honest, I’ve been having some thoughts on becoming a wife, nothing negative or that I’m getting cold feet (not in the slightest) but thinking about those duties of a wife I should be taking up/know how to do. I came across some blogs on things on what every woman should know how to do but also came across some good enlightening things on life as well.

As I mentioned in my first post I tend to hold chips on my shoulder, but it’s all in the past, and where I’ve come from since then is such a 360 where, do I really need to keep going back to it and bringing myself down? No! It’s not worth it, just remember it and try to not make the same mistakes and misjudgments. When I look back at the last fives years or so, its been littered with these moments of good to bad to really bad and back again. Not that I’m happy over the bad or the really bad, or who I was at those times (because to be honest, I’m not proud of those moments at all, I don’t know who that girl was), but I look at where I am now, and I’m here, I’m alive, and I have some of the most amazing people in my life who have been here to support me and help me through all those times. I feel myself going back in time and talking about a lot of it, and some of it I think to myself why are you going back to this place? Look where you are! You have the love of your life, your amazing family, your amazing friends, my own apartment, my cats, a new car, a good job…like I never expected to be where I am. And of course each of these have their slight issues but overall, I’m so happy. Unfortunately though there are still tiny pieces where I feel a little lost.

I suppose there are three main pieces that I can sum up where this falls into the ‘lost me’: my career, not doing some of the things that gave me joy, pride, and a sense of individuality, and the passing of my dad.

The biggest of these three is that passing of my dad. He was the best man I ever knew, handy, independent, loving, an amazing listener, fun, and he had a great sense of pride. He knew how to fix anything and that is proven at the house that I grew up in. Everything was tinkered with there which makes it very difficult for me to go home. I feel awful because my mom still lives there and has to deal with it everyday but I feel like when I stay there for more than just a couple hours I feel myself coming down again. It’s harder because I watched him pass away in their bed. That is a whole other story though. I miss him so much, and the time we spent together. We would have ‘our time’ to sit and eat snacks, watch history movies, and have small conversations all the time when I would come home from school. We would hang out in the yard, drink a beer, and just bs. I would watch him take down trees and work on the cars. I remember the two of us would have some of the best conversations, and they would only last a good 10-15 minutes but they were the best times. He was my anchor, my oak tree as well have recently nicknamed him. The silent, strong, giant. Not having him around has been very difficult and moving on with life without him physically in it, has proved to be the hardest thing in the world.

The second is the future of my career. I started on as a contractor and got hired after a year and nine months of hoping and praying something would work out, but near the end of my contract I was starting to see some issues that made me question what I was truly doing there. We’ve had some new management changes and reorgs which have improved things but, it’s a very difficult working environment for me at times. I’ve been beyond stressed out with deadlines which I know will be anywhere but I’m at a loss of what I’m truly doing, how to improve things for myself, and what my next steps are. I’m at a point now where I’m trying to do what I can to improve my mentality, have a major success in my project, and not let the drama bring me down. This is my new project for myself, to take what I have and make the most of it and kick ass in succeeding.

The third and final part is bringing back the pieces of me. I used to be an avid drawer and had an eye for being able to create things. I feel like that piece of me has fallen away. I don’t really draw anymore, I don’t paint, my eye for matching home decor has fallen away. It disappoints me because those were some things that I truly enjoyed and it brought peace to me. I’ve just lost time to do it. I expected that to happen but, I don’t want to lose that amazing gift I have. I used to be a huge runner as well and would enjoy going for runs on trails and would enjoy just hanging out in the woods and taking in the views of overlooks and waterfalls. With my recent herniated disc though, it will be a long time before I can do that again, if ever. My biggest goal was to run another marathon next year but I don’t see that happening either. I had wanted to run in the Color Run, Electric Run, Tough Mudder, compete in a triathlon, and to one day, far in the future to train for an Iron Man competition. I just need to get motivated again and start working out and gaining my strength back but I always push myself to hard and end up with horrible shin splints and can’t walk for days. I just need to find a way to get myself strong and start working towards my goals.

I feel each year I come up with these lists of resolutions that when December 31st comes around, I haven’t completed any of them. So, right now I’m focusing on the things that I want to work on the most, mainly these three pieces to recover mentally and physically from but the other smaller things I’d like to embark my journey of becoming me. I plan to: 1. learn more about exercise science and nutrition, 2. learn more about my job and how I can better do it, 3. develop my career path, 4. learn to cope with the passing of my dad and open up more, 4. work on my relationships with everyone in my life, 5. not let the little things tear me down, 5. let go of the past, dammit!, 6. draw at least one thing a day (no matter who tiny of a doodle it is), 7. see the world in a new light, 8. plan our dream wedding, 9. better manage my finances, and 10. be the best damn person I can (future wife, friend, family member, worker, etc) and truly learn things that will help me through life. This may be a little ambitious but I plan that each post I have from here on out there is going to be at least one thing a day that I can be proud of that will go to this list so that this time next year, I can feel truly accomplished especially because this time next year I will be on the home stretch of becoming a married lady 🙂 I’m truly excited over this, whether for who ever is reading this thinks it’s a load of crap, think what you want, I have big plans for myself and I’m ready to take it on.

Til next time…

Here we go…

So, I have tried time and time again to keep up with a blog, however for one reason or another I’ve failed. This time, I’m picking up with a new blog site and keeping an open mind. I mean, this is a place to jot down your thoughts right? 

I guess to start, a brief overview of me is that I’m 25 and working at a pretty amazing company. I just got engaged to my senior year college love and we care for our cats like they are our children (we’re a little obsessed with them). I’ve always been of the athletic type, playing sports from the time I was a wee one and ran a marathon in college (one of my proudest accomplishments). Additionally, I am a closet artist. I had originally went to college to be a high school art teacher, but realized I enjoyed my hobby of art more than a career in it. Now, I scour through DIY and home decor posts on Pinterest. Once in a while when I have some down time and need to unwind, I’ll find myself drawing or knitting. My other big project is planning my wedding. My dream job, once upon a time was to one day work for Pixar. I am a very hard worker, though in a bit of a rut trying to figure out what the next steps are for my career. I have a vast assortment of friends from all backgrounds that have become a second family to me. And finally, I have an amazing family who I love more than anything. My mom and sister are my inspiration in life.

I suppose to start I can just say that I’ve been through a lot in my short 25 years. I’ve seen a lot of beautiful, inspiring, moving, and amazing moments and plenty of the latter where when it comes down to it, I have a lot of thoughts on life. I’m the type of person who tends to hold chips on my shoulder even if I know it’s time to get over it, and there are somethings I can be very stubborn and adamant about on how I feel, whether I voice it or not. But, with that being said, I am always open to hearing what people have to say. I enjoy hearing peoples journeys in life, though sometimes painful, it really brings me back to reality that no matter what you’ve been through, there is someone out there who has it worse. I used to be one that would complain and complain about the bad things that have happened to me, but upon opening up there is always someone else, maybe in different instances, have had it way worse than me. I’ve come to appreciate what has happened, as best I can, and take those experiences as chapters in my life story that I can look back on and learn from. I guess, I can say I’m one of those people that believes things happen for a reason. Whether the reason comes immediately, or far down the road, eventually it will make itself clear. I’m a dreamer, a believer. Sometimes I wonder if my thoughts are really part of this world or somewhere else, but I have high hopes on life. I’m a sucker for love stories and ‘happily ever afters.’ As well as being a very firm believer of hard work pays off. I have to say some of my favorite advice always has come from my parents, though I may not see eye to eye all the time, the thought always made me feel better. My handwritten notes from them before big days, always made me feel a little better and optimistic. 

So to close my first post I’ll leave you with my favorite saying from my mom “Always be true to yourself.” Til next time…